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I was wrangled.
I was shoved into a throne...
(Just check Rolling Stone)
But then... kicked off the bed.
I was mangled...
My emotions... twisted...
My fears... unearthing...
My memories... emerging...
My feelings... tossed and turned.
You took... too too much...
Then threw me in the ditch.
I felt betrayed...
Used...
And abused...
And I reached out...
Just to understand it all...
Just to save my soul...
While you violated me.
It should have been beautiful...
And it was... not.
I waited...
Listened...
Wondered...
Searched...
Offered peace...
All...
To find the truth...
All...
To be acknowledged and respected...
All...
To see you be the man
I knew you to be...
All...
To be helped back onto my feet...
All...
For an apology...
All...
To save my soul...
All...
To save your... damned soul.
To be guilty...
Of destroying beauty...
Of injuring a young heart...
Of trespassing so largely...
Of stealing my womanhood...
Of disgracing my dignity...
Of shaming my gentleness...
Of... taking... my life...
Of dragging so many...
Down... with you.
To be guilty of these...
I kept you safe from...
Knowing that...
The measure of all you are
Was in...
How you treated... me...
Treated... silly... me.
I knew there was no real justice
For what was done.
And... you...
Were no god of salvation.
You never even knew me.
You wanted... only to control me.
You were guilty...
Of things that I wouldn't do
To my worst enemy.
I knew something was wrong.
My world turned upside down.
I searched my life for enemies...
Who would bring this on me?
I chased down God Himself
For protection and help.
The world was falling on my shoulders.
And... I feared for the world...
"Who were frightened by the people
Who were scorching this earth."
Because I could see what you
Were capable of doing...
Or was it your enemies?
It could be anyone... anywhere...
Because when you walked into my life
All the powers that be... on earth...
Wanted to participate...
And now they were on me.
But, no... it... was you.
And I had nowhere to turn...
Nowhere to go...
Who would believe this?
No one could save me.
And so... I saved you.
For years... I saved you...
I saved you
From my absolute despisal...
I saved you
From my witness
Of your lack of manhood...
I saved you
From your sin of inhumanity.
I kept you safe... from my pure hate...
Giving you every chance...
Every...
Benefit of doubt...
Every...
Hope for your regret...
Every route you may need
To return me safely home again.
No honorable man would have me
And... only you... knew the truth.
And all the world was lost in the mirage.
Everything... had your signature
Everyone... was participating.
It wasn't "you and me against the world"
It was just... little ole me...
All by herself...
Confronting the powers of the earth.
I loved you...
Through all your sins against me...
Through all your words...
By the minutes...
By the hours...
By the years...
You stole from me
With your delusions of love...
With your illusions... of reciprocity...
As you destroyed me
Piece by piece...
Day by day...
With no hope of escape...
Because, dear man...
To be guilty...
Was too huge for any man...
For any man
Who calls himself a man.
When you stole from me...
I gave it to you...
To keep you safe
From your huge guilt.
When you tried to seduce me
I loved you again...
Knowing how insane
It all... really... was.
I listened to your words...
Looking past the obvious...
For signs of truth...
For clues to the truth...
When there was no... excuse...
The only truth being...
The one I was living.
How a man
Can be so cruel...
And still call himself a man.
I desperately looked for the truth
But... I hoped...
That you would see the truth... for yourself.
I see you deep in my past.
I see you trekking in...
Stealing what...
What couldn't be given
In any honorable way...
And you put some label on this?
Passion? Love?
As though it gave it honor?
It could not.
I see you peeking in my life...
Like a tomcat
Who'd found a milk crate
And stood peering into windows
Searching for goodies...
To take as you pleased.
Finding a milk crate
Does not give permission...
A peeping tom you still are.
There is no honor...
This does not prove... courage.
I loved you through it all...
Because to be guilty...
Was too huge...
Was too despicable
For any thinking soul...
To ever see you... so very low...
To ever see you... so despicable.
When I told you no...
I meant it.
You... ignored my needs...
You... came like a thief...
You... never bothered.
Your intentions were no good.
And I couldn't get rid of you.
It was like... a new form of rape.
However... unworthy...
I... might have been...
I hated the man you... were not.
I hated the human being...
That you... were not.
I hated your cute stories...
I hated your sly words...
I hated your... cowardice...
And I would have never...
Been so low
As to allow myself
To be treated so cheaply...
While I died in my shoes
Looking for help.
I would never have allowed myself
To be treated like a dog...
Like a dog in a cage
Who never got fed.
Would a woman who WOULD allow it...
Be any woman you... would want?
I held myself back...
And you took it anyway.
Truth is...
I never knew hate
Before I knew you.
It had never entered my heart...
Ever...
Which is saying... much.
You had... real competition... there.
And...
It was not so much that I hated you...
It was that... you were so despicable.
You... were such a... lie.
My life had only prepared me...
For the abuse that I would take...
From you.
I could ramble for hours...
On all the reasons
That I hated you...
And the reasons
Why I still loved you.
I had no hope for my own life.
There came a time
When...
There was no more
Benefit of the doubt...
There was no more
Doubt... at all...
There was no more
Hope for excuses.
I had found a conclusion...
When for so many years
I rejected conclusions.
Conclusions... are final...
And there are few things in life
That are truly "final."
I came to that conclusion
That I had shunned...
For so many painful years...
That I kept at bay...
That conclusion...
That I protected your damned soul
So many years... from.
I realized... so very clearly...
What I knew from the beginning...
That...
You...
Are no man...
You...
Are no human being...
You...
Haven't even managed
To make the list
Of thinking creatures.
You...
Violated every law of humanity.
You...
Are terribly... terribly... guilty...
And there is no creature on earth
To compare you to.
Creatures...
Have souls.
You... are so...
Terribly guilty...
And... you should... know it.
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